ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
