This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
