So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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