We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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