like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
