yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
