i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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