Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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