Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
