Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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