You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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