Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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