so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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