Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
