"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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