if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
