I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
