I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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