Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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