Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
