rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
