i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
