some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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