bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
