She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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