I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
