She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
