There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
