You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
