would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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