so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
