Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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