By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
