Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
