She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
