if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
