Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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