Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
