apparently the secret to your success is patron
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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