i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
