and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
