well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
