I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
