you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
