Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
