He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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