I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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