it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
