Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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