She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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