I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
